this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
