found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
