I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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