I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
