i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
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