did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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