the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
