dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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