weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
