So drunk, too bad you don't want this
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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