i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
