I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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