im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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