How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
