if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
