he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
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having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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