got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
