I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
