Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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