Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
