You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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