What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
