Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
