So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
