accomplished twins. life is a go
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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