Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
