be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
