The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Redeem this text for a blowjob
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
