I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize