oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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