I think I am morally bankrupt
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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