I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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