My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
