there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
