when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
