OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
