She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
please don't ironically join a cult
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