K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
She is in my trunk
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
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