im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
