he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
