You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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