I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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