I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
