Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
