I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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