my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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