He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
