all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
i think im in europe. pls send help
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
