OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
