i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
