Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
