He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
