He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
