I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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