If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
