My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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