just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
there is puke in my bra ... again
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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