the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
