I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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