I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
time to smoke my breakfast
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
