sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
