and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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